Saturday, December 13, 2008

The Benefits of Cigarette Smoking

I did a little study. I went to a smoky bar. It was rough, but in the name of science I tipped a couple rum & Diet Cokes. I rounded up a room full of smokers. I asked half of them to give up smoking for a week. I'd offered to cook up a mountain of chicken wings for their next kegger, so they said what the heck?

They quit cold turkey and they felt like crap all week. It made them stupider! They were cranky and forgetful. Their cravings were insane. They couldn't seem to get anything done! After a week, I told them they could start smoking again and you know what? After the first cigarette they felt better! Immediately! Clearly the smoking was doing something good for them. We went back out to the bar to celebrate. I discovered that the more beers they drank the prettier I got! That will have to be a study for another day.

Anyway, back to my hypothesis. I guess I was right. Cigarettes are healthy. I think I'll repeat the study with a group of Diet Coke drinkers! Who knew it was so easy to be a sci-un-tist! I wonder if I can get paid to do it?

In equally impressive health news, here's a study that's just as good as mine:
Low-carb diets can affect dieters' cognition skills

Here is more commentary on this "study":
Michael R. Eades, M.D.: Making Worthless Data Confess
Dana Capender: Another Un-Compelling Study
Laura Dolson: Low-Carb Diets Bad for the Brain? (Don't Worry!)
Mariasol: Low-carb diets can affect dieters’ cognition skills


Anonymous said...

People who quit heroin cold turkey must be restrained from hurting themselves and others, shit themselves for days, can't eat, can't think, sit and shiver and cry for days. If they do heroin, they feel much better. Thus heroin is healthy. Makes as much sense as your analogy on smoking, which is complete bullshit anyway. Quitting smoking doesn't make people stupid, though maybe cranky for a few days. This is the stupidest thing I ever read. No wonder you got messed up with kimkins.

Kimorexia said...

Thanks for stopping by, Anonymous. You completely missed the point of the post, which was about how study data can be twisted to mean whatever you want, and then it gets repeated and repeated like it's truth.

For the record, I didn't get mixed up with Kimkins at all. I stand for people who did, and try to prevent others from being scammed. What do you stand for? Or do you just stand on the sidelines and make judgments based on incomlete informatoin? Hey, maybe YOU can write a crap study, too!

WunnatheDux said...

Poor, poor Anonymous. Must really suck to go through life with no sense of humor >;-D

The Sign Lady said...

Maybe he quit smoking? I hear it makes you stupid...
This post was too funny.
I think you could probably get a government grant for your sy-un-fi-ic study.

Kimorexia said...

Thanks, Sign Lady - thanks for stopping by!